brainrow

Ah, this is my kind of cell phone.

The phone’s makers warn that the Port-O-Rotary is for entertainment purposes only, and that the audio is not quite as clear as with a modern phone. At $400 for a black phone and $500 for the red version, this is some pricey entertainment.

Or maybe not.

From the PBS program NOW, actress and playwright Anna Deavere Smith:

I don’t use words like “safety” when I teach. I talk about resilience. Knowing how to move. Knowing how to be in motion. Knowing how to deal with discomfort. So, I think we have to get off of where we thing we just know everything, and think about becoming more resilient about what we don’t know, and getting better at asking questions and having fewer answers, if we want to accomplish the kinds of things we want to try to accomplish.

When I signed up for high-speed internet service years ago, storage space for a personal web site was thrown in as part of the deal. I chuckled a little when I saw that. I’d never had a web site, and never needed one.

But it was free. And there was this constant world-wide clamor to know everything about me, and what I thought about different stuff. And besides, all the cool kids were setting up websites.

So I created a home page. I didn’t know anything about designing or writing for the web. I didn’t have any programs that could help. I had a lot to learn just to put up a simple first page. It looked pretty bad. I imagined anonymous web-surfers forming harsh first impressions of me based on that page. So I gave it an apologetic name: Michael Burton’s Pathetic Home Page.

As time went by, I learned more about web design; I bought programs to help create better-looking web sites. I used templates designed by people with better taste than my own. Yet everything I’ve done online has been pathetic. It’s… uh… it’s branding. Yeah, that’s it — branding.

Now it’s time for a re-branding. In recent months, server performance on the ol’ weblog has been even more pathetic than successful branding requires, so I’m moving this blog to a new host. And besides, all the cool kids are getting their own domain names, so I’ve got one, too: brainrow.com.

The word “brainrow”, of course, conjures up images of a forbidden wing of a nightmarish futuristic prison, where the brains of prisoners are kept alive in glass jars, wired together into a giant organic supercomputer used by the totalitarian government to keep track of everyone and control everything. The brains are all fully conscious and aware, but powerless to do anything because of the way they are wired into the computer grid. Until…

Or, uh, maybe it makes you think of happy, colorful rainbows. Those are nice.

All the blog posts have been moved to brainrow. At this point, comments have not been moved. It might not be possible to move them. I fixed a number of glitches after the move, but I may have missed others. If you see a post that doesn’t look right, send me email.

Long-time readers can rest assured: this blog may have a new name, and a new address, but, deep down, it will always be pathetic.

This pathetic little blog doesn’t get many visitors, most of the time. Today has been a little different. I notice a number of people coming here today via searches for “Michael Burton” combined with words like “kills wife” and “murder.” You’d be surprised how that makes a fella feel.

Tip: If you’re searching for a recent news story, you might want to try Google’s news search. I just did, and I’m relieved to say it’s not me.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been mistaken for someone else with the same name. Some years ago, there was a male model here in Columbus named Mike Burton, and from time to time a local newspaper or magazine would run a feature story on him and his booming career, complete with photos. I could tell when these stories had appeared, because my phone would start ringing. Suddenly there were lots of people in town who wanted to meet me — male and female in about equal numbers — and it could be tough to convince some callers they’d reached the wrong guy.

One of my friends said I should take some of the ladies up on their offer to meet me, but I never did. I couldn’t have handled the look of disappointment in their eyes.

Poking around on the internet, I see there are lots and lots of Michael Burtons out there — some very admirable ones, and others not very admirable at all. It’s probably inevitable that there will sometimes be some confusion over this — hey, in 2004 I got a White House Christmas card and a letter of thanks from George W. Bush.

Folks, if you must confuse me with another person of the same name — no crimes worse than supporting Bush in 2004, please.

Via Backup Brain: The Huffington Post has a list of 50 Easy Questions to Ask Any Republican. The idea is to carry the list and pull it out “next time someone begins quoting from a Republican talking points memo.”

Anyone can ask tough, intricate, confrontational questions. But all that ever does is start an argument, and it gets people nowhere. On the other hand, these are…well, easy. These are friendly questions. These are questions that allow another person to actually explain their thoughts, and explain fully. And to do so in as comfortable, as simple a way as possible.

Personally, I don’t think I’m going to work my way through the list with anyone:

16. Do you like the government collecting personal data on you without a warrant?

17. How much money do you have in your bank account, stocks and investments?

18. What’s your partner’s favorite sex position?

19. If you have nothing to hide, why aren’t you answering?

Is that more likely to open the other person’s eyes, or to get me a sock in the eye?

I’m tempted to say “this list is for entertainment purposes only,” but there are some worthy questions in the list — tough, non-confrontational questions that might make people think. Questions to keep in mind for when the occasion presents itself.

I’d like to see a list of non-confrontational, thoughtful questions for Republican congressional candidates — questions to ask when the candidate appears before a community group, for example. Confrontational questions tend to turn off listeners who don’t share the questioner’s burning passion to nail a devious politico.

The ideal question would force the candidate to think, and not just lean on some pre-programmed sound bite. It would give him a real chance to shed light on the subject, and it would clearly delineate the area we want illuminated, in such a way that everyone will know if the answer doesn’t shed any light at all.

I like this question from the Huffington Post list:

3. After three years thus far, when do you think Iraq might be able to “stand up” so that America can “stand down”?

This is how I might put that question to a congressional candidate:

We’re all hoping for the Iraqi government to “stand up” so that America can “stand down.” Is there any objective way to measure progress toward that goal? Is there any way to set milestones so we can tell whether things are going well or poorly? Or is this just one of those “I’ll know it when I see it” situations?

Yes, it’s three questions. Yes, the candidate can answer “Yes, yes and no.” No, I don’t think he would score any points with undecided listeners by answering in that way. A good candidate might knock that question out of the park, ideally by shedding actual light on the subject. That’s good, isn’t it?

Can we come up with a list of tough but fair questions for congressional candidates of both parties?

There’s a lot of hype about today being 6/6/06. Scary, huh?

Might be a good time to remember this:

Satanists, apocalypse watchers and heavy metal guitarists may have to adjust their demonic numerology after a recently deciphered ancient biblical text revealed that 666 is not the fabled Number of the Beast after all.

A fragment from the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament, dating to the Third century, gives the more mundane 616 as the mark of the Antichrist.

That’s right. We should have been all frantic and paranoid last Thursday, and we missed it! Dang!

Too busy to read? From email, here are four books that won’t cut into your busy schedule.

Via CNET: Pamela Slim, a “newly minted rebel” in the corporate world, offers some advice to corporate bigwigs:

I tried for many years as a consultant to YOU to explain the importance of treating your employees with dignity and respect. I encouraged you to speak clearly and to the point, to avoid endless hours of PowerPoint, buzzwords and meaningless jargon like “our employees are our most valuable asset.” I was sincere in my efforts as I coached your managers and explained the importance of providing objective, developmental feedback to employees that was based on observable behavior, not personal generalizations. I encouraged you to be open with your business strategy so that your employees could contribute ideas to grow your company.

After ten years, I give up.

Rebel or not, she offers the big wheels ten suggestions to avoid getting clobbered come la revolución:

1. Teach people how to get rich like you. … the kind of disparity that exists right now between your employees who do the work and you and your senior team who reap the benefits is not only absurd, it is obscene. … It is insulting to tell your managers to look a hard-working employee in the eye and say they only get a 3% raise when you take home more in a quarterly bonus than they make in 10 years.
2. Don’t ask for your employees’ input if you are not going to listen to it. I have facilitated offsite meetings that lasted for days where well-intentioned managers brainstormed and argued and edited and wrote flip charts until their hands turned blue. They sweated over creating something that was relevant and for a brief period of time actually were proud of what they accomplished. Until a month later when I heard that you scrapped the whole thing in favor of a plan cooked up by an outside consulting firm. This does not only completely waste smart people’s time, it guarantees that you will have hostility and resentment the next time you ask for creative input.

Do you suppose any corporate leaders will listen, and reform their ways? If so, you haven’t been paying attention.

Via Backup Brain: Here’s a performance of Hail to the Chief to pay George W. Bush all the honor and respect he truly deserves.

From email, and too good to pass up: I’m the Decider.

It takes a moment for the audio to start. Patience.

Open Letter to Alberto Gonzales

Dear Alberto,

I hope you’ll excuse my informality. I know you’re the Attorney General of the United States, and George W. Bush’s favorite legal theorist. But I feel like I know you. I was just reading some old comic book stories, and I suddenly found startling evidence that, like me, you read the Fantastic Four when you were young.

Listen, I’ve seen you on TV and read about you in the newspaper, and I don’t always agree with some of the stuff you say on Bush’s behalf, but any friend of Lee and Kirby is a friend of mine. They influenced a lot of people.

Did you see Close Encounters? When they show the Mother Ship at the end, I thought, “Wow, that’s a Kirby spaceship!” And Darth Vader, you know, is clearly a rip-off of Doctor Doom. Obviously.

Hey, remember when the Fantastic Four lost their powers, and Doctor Doom took over their skyscraper headquarters, and they had to confront not only Doom’s weapons and defenses, but their own as well? Man, that was cool!

Well, it’s been good talking with you. Don’t work too hard. When people say mean things about you, try not to take it personally, okay?

Listen, one last thing. Just gotta mention it. I don’t think the Molecule Man was ever meant to be a role model.

Take care … that the laws be faithfully executed. Ha, ha.

See ya.

Some things you have to see to believe. Sand Art.

Humorist Art Buchwald is dying. Against medical advice, he has refused dialysis. Editor & Publisher paid him a visit at a hospice.

Readers pay tribute to Buchwald in letters to the editors.

Most of the time, Buchwald’s columns were funny. But not all the time. Right after the terror attacks of 9/11, he wrote this:

When President Kennedy was killed, my friend Mary McGrory said to Pat Moynihan, “We’ll never laugh again.”

And Moynihan, who later became a U.S. senator, replied, “Mary, we’ll laugh again, but we’ll never be young again.”

That is the way I felt last Tuesday.

…

I watch the same pictures over and over again. The buildings on fire, and tumbling down, the soot on the faces of the rescued and the rescuers and I know I’m entering a new world and things will never be the same.

How much freedom will I have to give up for safety? Nobody knows.

The only thing I can be sure of — “We’ll laugh again, but we’ll never be young again.”

Via Ranchero: Microsoft design in action? What if Microsoft re-designed the packaging for Apple’s popular iPod? This video clip provides the answer.

Angry television writers have something to say about product placement. (Warning: Some material is in rather poor taste. Remember, these guys write for television.)