brainrow

Some physicists have speculated that there might exist countless parallel universes, each different in some small or large way.

Intrigued by this idea, I’ve done some exploring, and discovered a parallel earth almost identical to our own, except that Americans were greeted as liberators after invading Iraq. With a crude telephone constructed with two tin cans and a piece of string theory, I’ve been able to communicate with this alternate world’s version of myself.

He wasn’t surprised to hear from me because he had been working on an identical telephone himself. In several long conversations we established just how similar our two worlds were: I described a dust bunny under his coffee table, and he told me where I’d left my VCR remote.

“Okay — who’s your vice president?” I asked.

“Dick Cheney,” he replied. “Former congressman from Wyoming. He was Secretary of Defense for Bush’s father, Chief of Staff for Jerry Ford. Real jerk.”

“Same guy. Did — did he shoot a guy with a shotgun earlier this year?” I asked.

“Yeah, in a hunting accident. Fortunately the guy survived. Cheney apologized for being so careless.”

“Cheney apologized?” I said. “In this world, the guy he shot apologized to Cheney.”

There was a long silence. Then my alternate self said, “Ha ha. Very funny. Who is this, really?”

“Really, really, it’s true,” I said. “See, there’s a difference right there. But what I really want to know is why Americans were greeted as liberators in your world and not here. Let’s run through it again.”

“Okay,” my other self said. “War starts. Dubya was president, Cheney vice-president. Colin Powell was Secretary of State, now it’s Condi Rice. Rumsfeld at Defense.”

“Yeah, just like here,” I said, frustrated. “And before the invasion, Rummy said he would fire the next man who said we needed a post-war plan.”

“All right, funny guy, I’m hanging up right now,” my other self said angrily.

“I wish I was joking, but I’m not,” I said.

“Good Lord!” he said. “I mean — the military’s very tough on mistakes, you know? Admiral Kimmel and General Short lost their commands after Pearl Harbor. Colonels Geraghty and Gerlach were raked over the coals after the Beirut truck bombing even though they hadn’t been given adequate intelligence. The navy can throw a sailor in the brig just for smoking on deck at night, because the glow might give away the ship’s position. It’s a tough culture, because one mistake can get a lot of people killed. But deliberate obstruction of essential planning — that’s a whole other level. That’s criminal. So, what happened to your Rumsfeld when it came out that he actively interfered with post-war planning? Hanging? Firing squad? I’ll bet, since he’s a civilian, that he got off with just life in prison.”

“He got off, alright,” I said. “He’s still Secretary of Defense, still calling the shots in Iraq, and calling those who criticize him ‘appeasers’. Some retired generals have called for him to resign, but Bush is sticking with him.”

“Okay, Charlie, joke’s over,” said my counterpart. “You didn’t fool me for a minute. Parallel worlds I can believe, but next time, if you want to string somebody along, you’ve got to make the story at least half-way believable. I’ve never heard anything so stupid in my life.”

I felt a sharp tug on my tin-can telephone, and it vanished.